Who Likes Change!?!

So, the shots are literally the worst! I despise everything about it and I can’t help getting somewhat irritated with my doctor every time I have to endure one. Lol.

Dave has done the last two and I don’t know how because I would hurl if I had to stick someone with that needle! I’m assuming he has fully accepted that this is just what we do so, he turns into boss man when it’s time. This last time I must have asked him 7 times if he knew where it was supposed to get injected. I know, I know, I’m a maniac… but, it still makes me so nervous. Hahaha.

Here’s the scary, nitty gritty of this particular post and I have to be honest, I do not want to share it with the world …

IVF Transfer was scheduled for Tuesday 10/29. I got word from my nurse that I would receive an email the day before with instructions which is basically what time to be there and what medications not to take that morning.
Oh, and use the bathroom an hour before but then, fill your bladder. And hold it. {eyeroll}

So, I received said instructions late morning on Monday and found out my appointment was at 8:30am. In Boston. Now, I knew it would be there but, I didn’t expect to have to leave my house at 5am. So, within minutes we made a plan to leave right after Allie’s nap and stay over. We found a hotel right across the street from my doctors office.

Jackpot!

We arrived at our hotel around 7:45pm, took Allie swimming and then bed.

Nothing is ever that simple.

My head was spinning. Everything in my life made me anxious. Everything going on around me was foggy. I tried to pretend I was alright but, I could not seem to be normal about how much things were going to change the very next day.
I thought about how the next morning would be the last morning we would have breakfast together, just the three of us, and it made me really sad.

I know at this point some of you are thinking “it’s too early to think about that because ya don’t know if it’s going to work”.
I know.
But I also know what’s in my heart.
Ya see here Henrietta, whether or not my body accepts or rejects this embryo, it’s a baby to me and this baby is alive.

I didn’t sleep much, and for many reasons. One being that Allie sleeps so darn close to me, I literally felt like I was sleeping on the edge of a cliff. Lol. She’s a snuggle bug, how can I be mad at that!?!

7 am came fast.
Up, dressed and down having breakfast. Before I knew it, 8:24 slapped me in the face and we quickly went across the street. Thankfully it was so close we could walk.
However, we drove. It was drizzling! Lol.

Waiting to go in for my appointment was so nerve-racking that I kept thinking I had to use the bathroom and I couldn’t because I was supposed to be holding it. It’s not the worst part of the entire thing but, it reigns in at #2. We won’t talk about #1.

Once I was called in the whole thing went fairly fast. Besides the small, maybe 5-6 minutes I had to wait for the doctor to come in, I could not sit still! I kept getting up and walking to the door like I was going somewhere. I know, I’m a nut.
Everyone was super nice and explained everything in great detail which I genuinely appreciated. I thought I remembered this being painful but, to my surprise and benefit, it wasn’t. Once everyone came in, it’s a bit much at the first second but, they are so comforting and kind. They really know how to make someone like me feel supported.
As I was laying on the table and the nurse was talking and explaining and just being super kind I thought, ‘this is from my dad’ [God]. He brought me those people to help me through something so unbelievable stressful and scary. 

Here’s the best part. If you’ve never experienced IVF (yes it’s heartbreaking even having to take this route), it does carry with it some things that are really beautiful.

The embryologist came in right after the doctor gave us the good news about the quality of the embryo (which is great because it survived thaw). She asked me if I wanted a picture of the embryo and before she got to the end of the word embryo, I said yes with joy.

I have a picture of Allie. Now I have one of baby #2. I smile from ear to ear.

This IS the beautiful part of IVF. People who are blessed enough to conceive naturally don’t get the chance to see their baby at conception. Those of us who have to endure IVF, do.

In every miserable thing is something beautiful, you just have to look for it.

In addition to that, everything was done with an ultrasound so, we were able to watch our baby get planted into its home (hopefully) for the next 9 months. It was a white dot they call a “sparkle” and it made us really happy.
The doctor said it couldn’t have gone better. Everything from beginning to end and all the tiny details in between, it was picture perfect. That’s news I like to hear.

Then finally, I got to pee. Lol

We said our goodbyes right after and the three of us walked out of the office.
Three of us…and Allie wasn’t there.

Currently, we are on our way to being a family of four with high hopes and a mountain of faith. I’m holding tight to His plan and will for my life as well as this baby so, whatever will be, will be because He wants it that way. I’m fully submitted. It’s actually very comforting.

The next night I had asked Dave how long I should wait to share this with the world I’ve opened myself up to. His immediate response was to wait, “write it down now, share it later [after a positive test].” My heart was saying something different.

When I started this, it was because God clearly said it was time and when I agreed, I agreed to take y’all on my journey… of past and present and there were not many restrictions to that. He’s allowed me to take moments and days at a time for me to process but, when I go through tough times, it’s in those times that He can use it to help someone else. That’s what I agreed to.

So if it happens to be that my body rejects my baby, I’ll take the time to grieve but, I still have to wear that on my sleeve. He can’t use it if I keep it to myself. We are encouraged to share our testimonies. It’s not even about the painful stuff, it’s about what He does with the painful stuff that matters. He takes the painful things and creates beautiful things, relationships, memories and, bright futures.

So here I am, six days in. I won’t know if it worked until I have a blood test so, hold your questions. Lol.

I’m taking one day at a time, trying to adjust to one cup of coffee a day, I got pretty comfy being able to have a midday latte (spoiled), and not spraying aerosols. It’s a bit of an adjustment but, not bad.

To be completely frank, I’m still trying to wrap my head around all of it. Sometimes I have these moments where it doesn’t seem like anything has changed and others when I realize “holy toledo, there’s a baby in there!”. It’s surreal to say the least. I’ve taken my brain and my heart down a road of a list of names just to let it sink in. No, I didn’t pick any, hahaha. But I do have a list. I’ve had a list… I updated one or two names recently.

Allie is ready to take on this role as “big sister”. It’s like she’s been training for it her whole life lol.

Oh gosh, I had another moment today where I thought to myself “we have raised such a nice girl so far”. I took her to the store with me yesterday and she was so good. She sat so peaceful and was so quiet that the cashier gave her an ice cream push pop. She was in her glory all the way home, hahaha. Messy glory, but glory. She is messy.
Last night at the dinner table she wiped her ketchup covered fingers on my sweater without warning or hesitation. It was as if my sweater were made for her filthy hands and she knew it.
She’s Awesome.

The point is, she’s going to be so kind to a new baby.

I said she was nice. I didn’t say she was neat. Lol. We clean her room, she destroys it the same day. We are teaching her to clean up, she’s just not there yet. The next time she destroys it, I’ll post a picture, it’s glorious. I cleaned it one day last week and within minutes, she had taken toy baskets and dumped them all over the floor. Why? She was looking for one, ONE Barbie shoe. I had to walk away. I am picking my battles wisely. Lol.

Life is hard enough so, the best thing we can do is take one thing at a time, process that one thing before we move on to the next. We have control over our emotions and our mind and we get to decide how we respond to things. I don’t get to control the anxiety that rises up inside of me but, I do get to control how long it stays there. Someday, I believe I will be free from it! 

Have a wonderful day!!!

-Jennie