Sitting in the Mud

Yesterday, two days after opening my life up to the world I thought, what on earth was I thinking! Lol. The whole thing is terrifying to me to say the least. Im not a writer, I don’t like sharing, I don’t like talking to people about ME.

Im an ‘in the shadows’ kinda gal and I am so super comfy there. Like the biggest, warmest, most comfiest of blankets on a cold day with a cup of hot coffee or tea. I’m good there. I’m happy there. I thrive there. Can God use me there? He sure can. But it’s not meant to be forever.

He started rufflin’ my feathers and throwing pieces of my cozy nest overboard about a year ago. And, like any stubborn Irish-Italian woman, I climbed down that tree, picked those pieces up, brought them back up to my nest and said “no thanks, I like it here”. Word of advice if I may interject; don’t do that to God. Hahaha. I’m pretty sure He took one glance at me and said “challenge accepted”.

I am no match for the plans He has for me.

See, He doesn’t give up. Sure, you can stop listening to Him, you can ignore the call and the tiny gentle nudges He gives you but, there will never be peace until obedience sets in. Not for me at least. I gave my life up 13 years ago and when I did, I was serious about my surrender. I genuinely didn’t have anything to give. I know why I did it and I knew what I was receiving in return. You see, when you come to the end of yourself and you are literally wishing for death because you’re tired of the pain you live with, all you have left to give is your heart. Thankfully, that’s good enough for God.

Fast forward 13 years and now the world knows some of my junk *cringe*. The only comfort I have right now is knowing He’s behind it. When you truly trust someone, you will do whatever they tell you, go wherever they direct you and, submit to every single uncomfortable thing that person asks you to do.

The beginning of this was the realization three days ago that, in my comfy warm blanket, my struggle wasn’t over. C’mon man, it’s been 13 years! Isn’t it over yet? The answer was a hard NO. It never is lol. He never said it would be easy, He said He would be with me the whole time.

So, as I starred down a box of medication that so kindly depleted my bank account (because insurance companies don’t give a hoot hoot about my infertility issues), lol, I quickly thought ‘I don’t think I can do this again’. It is a little late considering there are no refunds so, I don’t have much of a choice. The good news is, I have my Dad.

I will do my best to take you on a walk with me. You’ll have to pardon me for brief silences as I process it and try not retreat to solitude.

In all things, I have His strength.

Peace, Love and, Mushy Sandwiches – JB