Me? I’m not panicking, no…

We are getting down to the wire and I have a LAUNDRY list of things that have to get completed.

Have I started the nursery? No. Have I finished the mud room? No. Have I completed the downstairs? No. Have I any gray hair yet? I’m too afraid to look. 🥴

Let’s not even get started on the anxiety that rises up within me knowing that in two days I have to change needles to the one that makes me want to pass out and instructions that make me want to vomit right before I pass out.

I emailed my nurse on Friday to tell her I couldn’t do it. I sat in my bed just looking through the instructions so that I could somehow get my head around the next step. Then, I realized I had forgotten about how big the next set of needles were and I kind of freaked out. I looked at Dave and said “there is no way, no, I cannot, no, I won’t, nope.” And then I sent the email. But, in my unfortunate circumstance, she was out of the office until yesterday which just tells me it’s too late to change it and I genuinely don’t know how I’m ever going to get through it. To be real, I got ticked off all over again because I don’t even understand WHY I have to do this when I took pills the last time and it worked out just fine. 🤬

God please help me because I haven’t the courage or the strength and I can’t be more serious about that. I well up with tears knowing 48 hours from now I will face something I know I cannot do.

I do not want to do it.

How long do I have to use these needles? Until they tell me to stop. Wanna vomit for me?

Jesus, please carry me, I beg you.

These are some of the ugliest times of women who live with infertility. You get a glimpse into the life of someone like me that doesn’t have it easy. Do I look like I got it easy? I’m sure I do. I have friends who have said of my walk with God, “she thinks she’s better than everyone else.” Now they know. No, life isn’t easy. My life, isn’t easy. I face the same struggles, the same disappointments and inadequacies as everyone else. Throw in a little “she’s a pastors wife” and it makes it that much more intense because people expect me to be some imaginary person.

I just happen to wear a smile on my face because I don’t want attention.

I don’t talk about my shortcomings or my history because I don’t want pity.

Don’t feel sorry for me. I don’t need a pat on the back. If you want to do anything helpful, throw some 💪🏼💪🏼💪🏼 at me because that’s how I’m wired. Lol.

In general and probably the most important piece of information I could share is this… the simplest and most heartfelt thing you could do for someone while they’re struggling is not to offer advice or council or try to fix it in any way but to just simply say, “I’m sorry you’re going through this.” And that’s all. No explanation. No hugs even. Just a genuine acknowledgment that life sucks sometimes and that’s just how it is.

That’s what it looks like to sit in the mud with someone. People really need that. Less talking and a heck of a lot more listening and sitting.

No one likes a motor-mouth, know-it-all. 🤣

I don’t throw myself pity parties. I would much rather laugh about how ridiculous I am and how I can go from wanting to break things to laughing hysterically because I can’t seem get it together. 🙃 ask my friends, lol.

I have my moments when I break and I have them with my Abba. They aren’t for the world to see.

The rest of the time it’s pushing through life as it comes at me. I laugh as often as I can, it’s my favorite thing to do and I laugh at almost anything. I’ve had plenty of moments where I’m alone and I laugh at myself. Out loud. It’s fun.

I have often said that if I didn’t have laughter, I would be dead. It’s very true.

I have chosen to surround myself with people who love and accept me for me. I don’t have friends that have ever made fun of me to hurt me, rejected me because they didn’t like me for whatever jealous reason they had or people that try to compete with me. Anyone that’s ever tried was cut out of my life because I won’t play games. Life is too short to worry if you’re “friends” are going to hurt you. We all deserve to have a good solid cheering section of people who truthfully want to see us succeed, even if it means they stand in your shadow. People who always lift you up and encourage you to be better are the only ones who are worthy of being called, friend. I’m lucky to have a few.

When you find a good friend, be a good friend to them. It’s more rewarding to be a good friend to one than to try and gain mass acceptance. Mass acceptance is shallow and lonely. That’s my opinion anyway. Lol.

Tomorrow is fast approaching and I have bloodwork to complete early. I’ll have one more round of that before doomsday, I mean baby day. Hahaha

I’m not sharing the date on purpose. I have a need to keep some privacy for us and I don’t want texts and emails or questions on the day or near it. I’m sure you can understand. I’ll be happy to share the good news when the time comes. I didn’t welcome you on this journey to keep ya’s hanging in the trees outside my window. Lol.

So, I leave you with this:

“Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends.”
‭‭John‬ ‭15:13‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

Ciao

Jennie