I’m sorry for my absence.
I’m not quite sure where to start so, I’m just going to lay it all out for you in raw form.
Dave and I are going to have another child! I am 14 weeks today. For the first time, I could say that with an exclamation at the end.
Why was I absent for so long? In my complete honesty, I was so unhappy. I could not tell anyone the news because I didn’t feel good. I was nauseous all of the time and, that forces almost complete silence within me.
I’ll try to explain.
If you can think of anything in your life that brings you to the point where you feel depressed, lifeless, useless, discouraged, etc. that’s what nausea/vomiting does to me. I wasn’t “depressed” but, it’s the closest I got and the best word I could use to describe “me” when I’m sick.
Disappointment and discouragement ruled my days.
I wanted so much to be happy. I forced a smile when someone asked because my husband had excitedly shared the news. I didn’t withhold the news for any other reason than the fact that I couldn’t fake happiness.
I was and still am grateful, without a doubt. It’s in my heart, I knew it and God knew it.
Life like that is kind of one of the worst things for me and one of the worst places I could be in emotionally. I don’t talk much, only when I have to. The days I had to have an injection were the worst days. The anxiety that surrounds that is unexplainable and it only added to the nausea.
Before I started this journey, it was after the miscarriage I had just the year prior to getting pregnant with Allie that I fully and wholeheartedly committed the lives of all my children to the Lord. If He lets me keep them, I’m thankful. If He decides to take them with Him, I trust His decision and reasoning. I had to do that in order to live in peace and not fear. To live in freedom rather than chains. I understand what stress does to my body without carrying a child so, I could only imagine what it would do it when I was.
The two other medications I was supposed to be taking, I stopped taking weeks ahead of time. I stopped taking the six pills a day when the nausea started because swallowing any pills, even my vitamins was impossible. The other stuff was way too expensive for me to fill. The doctor insisted that I take it but, when insurance doesn’t cover it, the extra money doesn’t exist, and you hear “okay it’s going to be $1030.00” (for only for a 30 day supply) I had to decline and take my chances. The last time I did this, each dose was about $10 each. Now it’s $33. It is what it is and I trusted God with it. He knew I couldn’t pull it out of my hind end so, we went without it. I was at peace and not worried.
I don’t “worry” much anymore.
Years ago, I had played games with God. I withheld my trust and adoration hoping he would somehow say “I don’t want to lose you so, I’ll give you what you want”. I withheld with stipulations. There was no freedom there. There was only fear and an expectation that was so unreasonable for me to ask of Him and hold. I threatened Him with walking away if I lost another baby or had another failed IUI.
God doesn’t work that way.
How can my faith grow if I don’t decide and allow Him to make the decision? How can I live in a place of victory if I’m always trying to control God and the things He gives me or doesn’t give me? How will I ever have the strength to endure if I never let Him further than the outside of the front door?
My faith is strong because I trust His plan is better than mine. No matter how much things may hurt, He has always been there to walk with me through fire. He’s there because I let Him. He’s there because I’ve surrendered my heart.
I think He plays games with me too sometimes just to be funny.
So there I was, a couple weeks ago I stood in the shower, crying. I was so fed up with how I was feeling. Sick, exhausted, useless, a waste of space, feeing like I was letting Allie down because I had zero in me to even hold her sometimes and, barely spoke to Dave bc talking just didn’t feel good. I was so sad and discouraged that I begged God to take it away. I went as far as to say “I would take cold sores over this, please?”
Be careful what you ask for…
Within a couple days I felt a little better and boy did I get cold sores. Probably the worst I’ve ever had. I couldn’t even be mad! I said it!
But, He heard me. I started to feel better and this past week I turned a corner. I asked Dave if we could have Chinese take out one night and I realized I ate more than I had in the last two months and then ate two more times after that. I felt better. The nausea was going away and I woke up the next day feeling like I was almost normal.
I don’t have words for the relief. All I can say is I felt like dying. I was done and I genuinely couldn’t handle anymore. To live without nausea is the greatest thing in life right now. Even though I still have small moments of it, it doesn’t affect me emotionally or keep me from living. I am so thankful for that.
There are lots of little things that keep me from feeling completely normal but, I’ll take them without complaint. I laugh at myself and my fat more than anything. Over the next couple months, many people will hear me say “don’t touch me, it’s just fat.” Well, because it is and that’s the truth. I don’t want you rubbing my fat and I’m sure you don’t want to either so, let’s just lay that on the table so you know. Lol.
I don’t do belly pictures either so, don’t even think about it. Lol.
I dislike almost everything about pregnancy so I probably won’t talk much about it. I’ll try to keep you updated though.
Thank you for your prayers and your support. I’m sure it has helped me get through these last couple of months and I am thankful for you.
I’ll try to get back on track with life’s dramatics and crazies. Lol
-Jennie