I Need More Time.

Thats a consistent line of mine.

I am looking at the calendar like a hawk scoutin’ a mouse. What is wrong with me? Many things, but for now I will start with one. Lol

I have a need to do MANY things. between crafting, cooking, church stuff and work, I don’t have time to do all the things I love. That often leaves me frustrated at the end of the week. Right now, it is this impending baby transfer at the end of the month.

And, Holy crap I have to start another nursery?!? M A Y D A Y – M A Y D A Y

I can hardly say carrying Allie for 9 months was the greatest of my experiences. Pregnancy was crap. It was hard, uncomfortable, exhausting, self esteem crushing and, annoying a lot of the time. I was so sick in the beginning. I threw up everyday, all day long for six straight weeks. Add a ridiculous amount of sleepless nights and no time for yourself. Quite rude.

People welcome this?  K O O. K O O.

Right now I’m comfortable. I eat what I want, I fit into most of my clothes, I can spray my hair with dry shampoo, I can paint rooms in my home and, I can see my feet. Pretty decent life right here.

All that is going to change next month and frankly, it terrifies me. I am willingly putting myself through this? Am I mad!?!

My hubbs was telling me before having Allie that women (part of how we were made) was that we forget how bad the pains of labor were and it allows us to want to have more babies.

Uh honey buns, you bees lyin’! I didn’t forget all that!

There are so many benefits to being able to plan these things. But, much like everything else in life, there are negative sides to it too. If it happened unexpectedly, I wouldn’t be obsessing over all the things I need to do and all the things I won’t be able to do.  If I didn’t know it was coming, I wouldn’t know how much I’m going to miss simple things. I think about them all the time. I haven’t quite reached a point where I am excited about this but, I really want to be.

Oh no pressure Jenn, ya got a few weeks. 🙄😰

I DO want the rest of my litter. I miss those little fingers and toes. I miss that precious baby smell and all the little moments of bonding.

I will have to share my love with another child and I don’t know how in the world it’s going to happen. Yea yea I know, it just does and God makes room in my heart for the next. These are just things I think about and I am a little scared for the change.

There were times during pregnancy where I was joyful and I was doing well. Eventually, I felt so incredibly thankful that I was able to experience it. There were many moments made me so happy. I know the good times will come again and I want so much to focus on just those things.

I know Allie would love a sibling. She will be such a good helper. Dave will forever have diaper duty so, I don’t think too much about the “work”. We agreed before Allie that since I took the brunt of caring for her with feeding, sleep, etc., that he would change all the diapers and he sure did! I did too of course but, he changed the majority. It was so super cute too because he would do it like he had been slingin’ diapers his whole life, lol. He didn’t seem nervous about anything, I certainly was. When we went out, he would bring her into the men’s room (changing table) to do the diaper deed without hesitation and I was crazy nervous to do that!

Life is going to change again. How will I care for two humans and still balance home, work, serving and, all the things I love doing? I honestly don’t know. I’m kind of just hoping it comes together and it doesn’t feel like change at all. I don’t want to stop doing anything that I’m currently doing. I love working, serving and, crafting. I don’t want any of those things to end. I need all of it to feel normal.

Adding another layer to my amusement park of a life, we are planting another church next year and it takes work in the now to make it happen. Lots of planning and meetings and raising support for it. I am genuinely excited about it but, it too takes time and effort. Details of that will come eventually, we are still in the early stages of our plan. My prayer: God drops a building on our lap. I’m expecting big things.

Today, I am trying to complete one of a dozen things that need to happen by the end of the month. Why does it have to be done? Because I won’t be able to do it for the next 10 months and let’s be honest, without my “motivation” on projects they won’t ever happen. I am the visionary and the driving force to completion. Dave’s time and interests are much different than mine. Surprised? Lol.

A few days ago we started the entryway closet makeover. We had wood from the last project and so, I’ve had this plan for a year to turn the entryway closet into an open mudroom. The vision I have for it is beautiful.

Did we fight about it? Of course we did! What’s a project without a good marital spat!?

It was small and didn’t last but, when I get a plan in my head, it’s hard for me to explain this to people without sounding arrogant but, ya just gotta take my words for what they are! Lol. I don’t plan projects out in an ordinary way. I can see it without looking at the space and I can execute the entire thing in my mind without having to measure it. If it can be done in my head, it can be done. I can’t elaborate on that but, the people that know me know this is true, Dave forgets sometimes hahaha. I can see the end result and when I see it, no one can tell me it can’t be done. I don’t plan it out and then hope it works…I plan it out knowing it will. Don’t you wish we could approach everything in our lives with such determination and confidence?!? It’s hard when we don’t have the ability to plan it like a project, we weren’t made that way. We are His design and therefore, He gets to make the plan. Lol. Ahhh, that good ole “surrender” deal.

In a nut shell, life is hard. Don’t beat yourself up if you’re not where other people were when they were in your shoes. We are all different and we process life and its changes differently. Be thankful for your perspective, its part of what makes you unique. Its part of what makes you, you. And, if anyone tries to give you a hard time because you’re not where they think you should be, cover them in a bowl of spaghetti. Its not the proper thing to do but, it will make you feel better. 

I am off to stick my fat and swallow 100 pills. Really, its only three but, I like exaggerating because its entertaining.

Stay Brave,

Jennie Bee