(I wrote this in 2022 to share with a small group of ladies with no intention of making it public. I just stumbled upon it, I had forgotten about it entirely. This last year has nearly destroyed me at times, so the reminder of how far I’ve come was helpful. I figured I would share in case someone else needed to be encouraged.)
Remember the movie The Castaway with Tom Hanks and Helen Hunt? The film synopsis is this:
Obsessively punctual FedEx executive Chuck Noland (Tom Hanks) is en route to an assignment in Malaysia when his plane crashes over the Pacific Ocean during a storm. The sole survivor of the flight, Chuck washes ashore on a deserted island. When his efforts to sail away and contact help fail, Chuck learns how to survive on the island, where he remains for years, accompanied by only his handmade volleyball friend, Wilson. Will Chuck ever return to civilization and reunite with his loved ones?
Now, I’m not obsessively punctual, and definitely not a pilot, lol. I’m a bookkeeper, a business owner, and a professional introvert.
But I’ve been in a desert and remained there for years. I’ve called for help and failed. I’ve had only one real friend at times, (me).
I’ve also learned how to survive.
I’ve attempted suicide maybe a dozen times, and probably have thought about it more than anything else in my life…well until Jesus. Although I thought about different ways, I settled on the least noticeable and messy. Not that I didn’t think I could carry it out, I just didn’t want to. I had an eating disorder, some would say. But my eating disorder was purposeful. See, I decided that if I stopped eating, I would wither away silently so that no one would question what I was doing. The changes were so subtle and I figured by the time anyone saw a problem, it would be too late to fix it. I wore big baggy clothes, that was the style in the 90’s-00’s. I was 14 the first time I attempted it.
I had many reasons why. I had good, valid, concrete reasons why and even though no one would want me to carry this out, I’m sure most could understand how I got there. I was so broken. Between four year old me and 26 year old me, was a lot of pain. I had been abused as a preschooler. By the time my abuser went to prison I was only in the 4th grade. I saw things I shouldn’t have seen, I lived through things no child should ever have to live through. I had grown up believing I was worth nothing. My mother and I were in constant disagreement, I did not make life easy for her. I struggled in school, pretending to understand what was going on, but felt so lost every day.
Where was God in all of this?
It’s not that I didn’t think He was real. Up until the age of 26, I had been witness to “something” of God that left me with the conclusion that He was real. Maybe it was that summer Catholic Bible school my mother sent me off to as a kid one year. Some old guy said he would pick us up and she was like “sure!” I don’t know, lol. Seems a bit strange but, we live in different times now.
I refused to acknowledge God because of what happened to me. I was angry with Him. I blamed Him. I know I didn’t deserve what I went through and I couldn’t understand why God would allow it, did He really not care about me?
There is a part in that movie where toward the end of the movie, chuck, is sitting in a chair reliving how he had felt on that island when he decided he wasn’t going to give up. I remember how I felt the day I decided that. I remember what I said. And not long ago I stumbled upon that movie while I was playing with the kids downstairs, and I realized that movie, a line in that movie, probably saved my life.
Chuck Noland: “We both had done the math. Kelly added it all up and… knew she had to let me go. I added it up, and knew that I had… lost her. ‘cos I was never gonna get off that island. I was gonna die there, totally alone. I was gonna get sick, or get injured or something. The only choice I had, the only thing I could control was when, and how, and where it was going to happen. So… I made a rope and I went up to the summit, to hang myself. I had to test it, you know? Of course. You know me. And the weight of the log, snapped the limb of the tree, so I-I – , I couldn’t even kill myself the way I wanted to. I had power over *nothing*. And that’s when this feeling came over me like a warm blanket. I knew, somehow, that I had to stay alive. Somehow. I had to keep breathing. Even though there was no reason to hope. And all my logic said that I would never see this place again. So that’s what I did. I stayed alive. I kept breathing. And one day my logic was proven all wrong because the tide came in, and gave me a sail. And now, here I am. I’m back. In Memphis, talking to you. I have ice in my glass… And I’ve lost her all over again. I’m so sad that I don’t have Kelly. But I’m so grateful that she was with me on that island. And I know what I have to do now. I gotta keep breathing. Because tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring?”
He SAID, I know what I have to do now. I gotta keep breathing because tomorrow the sun will rise.
That brought me to this thought. If I give up, the man that hurt me, wins. if I give up, everyone that’s ever hurt me, wins. I may not be worth a lot, but I am worth more than death and I was certainly worth more than the man that hurt me! So I kept breathing. And the sun rose the next day. And the day after that, and so on.
Wanna know what God says?
I AM HIS DAUGHTER. I AM SMART. I HAVE SOMETHING TO OFFER. I AM CREATIVE AND FUNNY, and thoughtful and kind and compassionate and generous. I am loving and nurturing and I love to serve Him and He knows it!
That’s who He created! He didn’t intend on me being broken, He didn’t cause my pain, HE WEPT WITH ME. Understanding free will changed the course of my life and catapulted me into healing. The person that hurt me the most was not and is not submitted to God. We live in a a fallen world and God doesn’t force us to do anything so, just like I have free will now, I get to choose if I’m going to act like a jerk, I can choose to be a terrible person, so did the one that hurt me. But God!! My Dad!! My healer, my rescuer, my rock and my hiding place! He carried me, and even though He did not intend for me to be violated, He promised to make something beautiful out of it and LOOK AT ME NOW! Not only am I here, BREATHING, I’m sharing some of the most sensitive things, praying that it sparks life and hope, and determination to keep pushing through the fight, to realize you are not just a secretary, a cashier, a nurse, a caregiver, or just a mom! He created you for great things, He created you with purpose!!
He is glorious, He is miraculous, He is worthy of my praise, He is merciful and kind and He is patient. He is my God and I will never deny the pit He pulled me from and the enemies lies he tore down!
I know everyone has something they struggle with and I’m telling you now He can heal it. Depression? He can heal it. Self image issues, He can heal it. Marriages, He can heal them. Disease, He can heal it! He’s is a God of restoration and He will restore it if you ask Him. No one can tell me He can’t, because He DID. He did it for me, and even though I don’t deserve it, He still thinks I’m worth it.
Your witness to the world will come out of your weaknesses, not your strengths.
Be encouraged, the King is alive!
Keep breathing! xo
~ JmB
“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”
Philippians 4:13 NKJV