Food and Finding Me

Before Allie, I barely made a meal. Lol.

No, I’m not lazy by any means. I just happened to marry a guy that loved to cook…and bake…and create one of a kind dishes, smoothies, and all things that make you fat. 😂

Also, I had a different problem. I had an eating disorder when I was younger. If you’re close to me and you’re just finding this out for the first time, I’m sorry. Before this public self-inflicted invasion of my privacy, I kept all my junk to myself. Lol. I’ll save the story for another time but, because of that eating disorder I didn’t ever really eat unless someone made me food or I was so incredibly hungry that if I didn’t eat, I got sick. I ate out of bare necessity only.

Dave made almost every home cooked meal for ten years. He made it fun, he made different things, he helped expand my pallet (quitting smoking in 2006 helped too, hahaha). He helped me get through the rut I felt like I was in with “food”. I couldn’t really explain it other than, I would be hungry but when I went into find something to eat, I completely lost my appetite? Does that ever happen to you?

Sometimes, it still happens to me.

I went from having a hard time with food to, living off magical Mac & Cheese while pregnant, to making every bit of Allies food myself.

I grew a love for the kitchen and it practically happened overnight. I made every one of her meals for I don’t even know how long, and it was all healthy, organic, and fresh. I bought a couple cookbooks and I’ve been in the kitchen ever since. Lol.

Once Allie was old enough to eat whatever we were eating, I started making homemade pasta. Oh man. If you’re thinking of doing it, don’t. It will ruin your life. I’ll never eat a box of pasta again. I don’t care if I don’t have the skill to make rigatoni yet, I’ll happily go without!

I have since made homemade bread, pasta, and last month I canned my very first jar of tomatoes and, made my own meatballs and sauce. I couldn’t be happier knowing I can make food for my family.

It took wanting to provide good food for my child for me to snap out of that “food block” I had in my head.

Am I a little overweight? Yes. Yes I am. Do I care that much? Nope. It’s been a long life, lol. Some day I will unpack my childhood a bit and some of these things will make a little more sense. I’m not ready to do that yet so, you’ll have to be patient with me.

My life and everything i’ve been through play a significant role in who I am today. There are many parts of my history that I still have to choose to “not do” or “not be” in the present. I believe my mind is protected from a lot but, I haven’t forgotten everything. I have chosen forgiveness and I walk in freedom today because of it.

Regardless of how broken you once were or are today, there is healing in your future. You have to choose it though. It sounds a lot easier than it is but, the good news is, it’s available.

What happens in our lives, whether they were choices we made or choices someone else made, it does not define who we are. We all have purpose. There were many nights I cried myself to sleep begging God to not let me wake up the next day. I felt like I had nothing to live for, I felt like I was better off “gone”. I let the enemy of my soul rob me of so many years of my life. Don’t let him do it to you. I wished someone would have stepped in and just said “you’re worth something”. So, I’m saying it to you. Someone, sometime and, somewhere will read this that needs to hear that. It’s true, you have worth and purpose and I’m glad you’re alive. Keep breathing.

And eat chocolate cake. We only get one life and life is just better with sweet treats involved.

Jennie Bees Me