A Turtle Shell

I have a really tough exterior. Almost anyone who has met me and knows me has said or believed this about me – ‘she’s loving, helpful, and a real servant, very compassionate toward others but, I would not want to be the person that made her mad’.

It’s true. I have my reasons, let me explain.

I am not sensitive. Not the way most people are.

I was raised in an abusive home. (None of this was by my mom.) I was raised to be tough because of the secrets I had to keep. I was raised to have an armor exterior to keep anyone else from hurting me. My mom taught me to be tough and not to cry about how I felt or what happened. Part of the reason, and I understood as an adult, she didn’t know how to help me through the pains of my childhood. She wanted me to be brave. She didn’t want what happened to me break who I was or who I was going to be. She didn’t have to tell me that. I just understand my mom.

So, all through middle school, high school, young adulthood and adulthood, I kept quiet about my insides. I protected my insides with walls of steel. Naturally, that comes with an abrasive exterior. My defense mechanism was to show you I was not one to be messed with. No one knew it but, I was just always trying to protect myself. I was a very broken girl.

I had a thought come to mind a couple days ago about the shell of a turtle and I heard the Lord connect it to me. I already knew much of this about myself. This wasn’t for me, it’s for you. Maybe so you could understand me? Maybe so that you could understand you or someone who’s abrasive toward you? Only you will know.

“Turtles have shells because they found a really good way to protect their insides.”

“… Over millions of years, the rib bones began to get harder and larger. This is important because, unlike other creatures with hard exteriors, like armadillos, a turtle shell is actually part of the bone structure of the animal, not scales. It’s almost like they’re wearing their bones on the outside of their body which is why you can’t take a turtle out of its shell – the shell is part of the turtle.” – (taken from an article about turtles)

It’s who I am. To remove it would make me question if I could survive. It is one of only a few things I had relied on (before healing) to get me through life. It’s how I survived most situations. My life depended on that protection.

I have definitely softened over the years. I have begged for change. I have prayed and asked my Dad to give me His heart for people and His eyes to see them the way He does. In a lot of ways he has.

I can be aggressive. I am confrontational. I am opinionated. Most of that comes with a reverence for Him. With the exception of someone I love being hurt or bullied by another, anyone treated unfairly, etc. you get the idea. I have been heard saying many times “I wanna punch that guy in the face!” Or “lemme at em!” I’m kind of kidding. Lol. I want to run to their rescue. I don’t ever really wanna punch someone in their face. I don’t want to cause physical harm… I WILL if I feel like I need to defend myself but, what I really want to do is punch their insides but, not because I’m mean! Hahahaha. I wanna show people how terrible it feels to treat another person so terribly. God is also showing me that it’s okay to let Him fight for me and the ones I care about. That I don’t have to take on the weight of the situation, wear my loved ones pain and put my boxing gloves back on.

Kindness means a GREAT deal to me.

I have spent a number of years (slowly) allowing God to take down my steel walls. I am a walking work in progress and it’s a wonderful thing. I feel like if we aren’t trying to grow to be a better person, whether a believer or not, we can miss some of the greatest opportunities we have on this planet.

My heart, my love, my deepest desire is to serve God. My service is solely for an audience of One. The One. I need no pat on the back and I don’t even need you to recognize that I put my blood, sweat and, tears into things. I fully and completely understand Who I serve and why. It is not man. I don’t do it for any reward I might get here on earth and if you try to brag on me, I will hang my head because I don’t want to be elevated. I do accept gifts though… I like shoes. 😉 just kidding. Kind of.

Ellen DeGeneres ends her show everyday saying this “be kind to one another”.

The Bible says in Ephesians 4 “And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.”

No matter what side of the fence we stand on, kindness matters. Kindness has the power to change someone’s day for the better. Kindness can save lives.

Kindness allows people like me to not have to live behind steel walls.

Don’t speak evil of others. Don’t tear people down. Don’t be the one that keeps another from succeeding. Don’t be a jerk-face. 🤪

I want to be a safe person at all times, don’t you?

Remember the song Michael Jackson wrote once, “We Are The World”? I will leave you with a snippet –

“Oh, send them your heart
So they know that someone cares
And their lives will be stronger and free
As God has shown us by turning stones to bread
And so we all must lend a helping hand”

I LOVE YOU MOM ♥️